Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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