Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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