The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wish you could order shots online.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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