Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
