Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize