Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
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