he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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