so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
