I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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