She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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