Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Randomize
