He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I am midnight drunk by noon
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize