I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My penis needs a shock collar
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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