my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize