tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
