you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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