I just cut my nipple shaving
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
