What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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