so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
