your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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