Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
