so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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