I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
We smell like vodka and hangover
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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