I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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