when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
