I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
