I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
