u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
