I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
