a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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