Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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