everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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