i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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