He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I checked into jail on foursquare
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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