Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Bring me that man meat
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
