I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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