My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
