4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
