oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
