I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
