I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
