I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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