Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
