I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
