Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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