I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize