I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
