Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
