That arnold schwarzeneger picture looks strikingly similar to paul
Not half as good looking as paul
I'd say paul has bigger bicep peaks, but who am I to judge
it was like eating out sand paper
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
