Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
