I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
