Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
