Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
