Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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