apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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