id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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