Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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