my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
