just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
