I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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