break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
